Consent Pt. II: When Drunk Consent Between Partners Wasn’t Consent
Reblogged from fuckyeahsexeducation
I got an ask a couple of days ago asking about drunk consent, and what one does when BOTH parties are drunk, but one regrets what was done once they’re sober. I answered the “short” version in the ask, but here I am to elaborate and hopefully shed some extra light on consent in drunk situations.
Before we get into deep details, I cannot express how vitally IMPORTANT it is to discuss the matter of drunk sex and boundaries with partners beforehand when you’re both SOBER. If you know you would never be comfortable doing sexual things with a person under the influence, and you know that you may be in a situation with that person where sexual activity might happen, please, please, please, talk about it with them. The biggest thing about consent is healthy communication, and you can’t let people know what you do and don’t consent to without communication.
Now.
When You Don’t Regret Drunk Sex, but Your Partner Does..
First and foremost, you have to listen to what the person is telling you. It can be incredibly easy to turn the tables around on them and accuse THEM with hurtful words like “but you never said stop!” or “if you didn’t want it you would have told me!” but this is NOT the correct way to respond when approached in this situation. Here’s some things to remember:
- Actively listen to what they have to say. This includes not playing the blame game and getting clarification where you don’t understand. Allow your partner to speak completely without interruption.
- Understand that you are not a terrible person. Understanding this, however, does not mean that the OTHER person is terrible.
- Realize that your partner is not trying to make you feel guilty, so don’t try to return that in kind by making them feel guilty.
- Ask why they regret what happened, and what you can do to make them feel better or stop hurting.
- Ask what boundaries they want to discuss in addition to the boundaries involving drunk sex. Being fully aware of what your partner wants and doesn’t want is important.
When You Regret Drunk Sex, But Your Partner Doesn’t..
The biggest thing that you need to know is this is not your fault. You’re not a bad person for regretting what you did, and it’s important for you to voice how you feel. Here’s some stuff to keep in mind:
- Figure out exactly what about the situation made you regretful or uncomfortable, and articulate that to your partner. It can be hard bringing something like this up, but communicating these feelings is the first step towards making the situation better.
- Clearly define what your boundaries are. If there’s anything outside of what you are and aren’t comfortable with sexually other then when drunk, now is a great time to bring those up.
- You’re not obligated to push your own feelings away in favor of your partner’s. If something’s happened that you’re not ok with, you have to right to bring that up.
- Your feelings aren’t invalid simply because you were drunk.
Things For Everyone on Drunk Consent..
- When you’re drunk, your judgement is impaired. When you have sex or do sexual things with someone who is drunk where boundaries are not clear, you are putting both yourself and the other person at risk for doing something that might later be regretted.
- Sex with someone who is drunk and incapacitated in anyway can be considered rape.
- Consent is not ongoing, so if a partner tells your they’re comfortable with drunk sex, but then takes it back, it is YOUR job to respect that and their wishes.
- Seeking people out for sex specifically because they are drunk and “easy” is not a safe or healthy behavior. If you do this, you should talk to someone and work out why you do this or think it’s acceptable.
If there is anything you would personally like added to this post, please message me, and I will add anything that needs to be to this post.
-P
[If you or anyone else feels like they need to talk about an experience they had while drunk, feel free to message me. I’m always open to talking people through rough situations.]
